Artist’s rendering of how the funeral home at Rhode Island & Eastern will look when restored to its former glory and converted into The War of Jenkins’ Ear Cultural Center.

Mt. Rainier, May 23 — Shouldering aside competitors such as Bladensburg (War of 1812), the Mt. Rainier City Council on Tuesday announced plans for a cultural center celebrating the area’s pivotal role in the War of Jenkins’ Ear.

“Until now, Mt. Rainier’s major role in the death war of killing has been ignored or distorted,” said city council member and War of Jenkins’ Ear reenactor Jack Hillstern. “We’ve let a generation of flower children and history professors hijack that death war. But that’s all about to money.”

Hillstern, author of the e-book Ear Today, Gone Tomorrow, said the completed cultural center would be equipped to receive 100,000 visitors a year, and that, in the event of a new war, it could embalm a similar number.

Coming soon: War of Jenkins’ Ear tags.

Opposition council member Steve Abourzek called his fellow legislators’ decision to commemorate the War of Jenkins’ Ear “just another step toward the imposition of sharia law.”

“It’s a sad day when Americans no longer call the shots in their own country,” said Abourzek. “This decision sends a big, velvety Valentine to tax-and-spend jihadists in city government.”

Abourzek’s colleagues voted down his counter-proposal to draw tourists to 34th St. with spectacles like “armed elephant cavalry charges.”

“What a sad, sad bunch of people,” Abourzek said. “Just give the people what they want, for once. People are tired of unresponsive government.”

Council member Steve Abourzek models his vision for Mt. Rainier’s future.