Area of Hyattsville and adjacent municipalities projected to suffer ‘Biblical Deluge’ as a result of the Anacostia Dam.

Mt. Rainier, June 6 — In a bid to halt the spread of competing urban centers, the Mt. Rainier City Council today announced plans to dam the Anacostia River, a move touted as guaranteed to “completely inundate” neighboring Hyattsville.

City officials acknowledged that “a priceless and irreplaceable civilization” would be lost forever, and expressed willingness to cooperate with county agencies to mitigate the effects of “an entire competing arts community” being underwater.

“We stand ready to absorb a flood of refugees, including Busboys, and that one cafe with the dumpster-dived picnic tables, and I guess maybe even Franklins, to kind of balance that off, aesthetically,” said city councilman Pete Kalmaro. “Beyond that, our thoughts and prayers are with them.”

Artist’s rendition of Hyattsville post-Anacostia Dam.

“No one could have known it would turn out this way,” added Kalmaro. “But ultimately, we think it will work in their best interests.”

Kalmaro cited aquaculture and fly-fishing as “sources of civic pride” for “anyone who manages to survive” when, almost overnight, water levels in Hyattsville rise by 15-20 feet.

The World Bank, China, and Brentwood have all expressed interest in funding the dam project.

“Why look at it as a setback?” asked Kalmaro. “Lots of cities have bounced back from exactly this type of event to become world-class reservoirs.”